What a beautiful day! Not a cloud in the sky. I feel grateful and optimistic as I plan the day ahead. I go to work with a sense of purpose, glad for my job and feeling like everything’s right with the world. As I drive home I feel good.
Then it happens.
The first hint of what’s ahead is subtle. It’s just a slight drop in energy. I must need something to eat – some protein or a cup of coffee to boost my metabolism. Many days that’s enough to make the wolf turn away from the door but today…
There’s no stopping it now.
I leave the house and go for a walk. I count my blessings.
- Thank you God for my home.
- Thank you for my health.
- Thank you for my sweet friends.
- Father, thank you for my family, for the sunshine, for coffee and beaches and jasmine and the warmth of the sun on my back.
It’s no good. Today, a thousand blessings on a thousand lists can’t hold it at bay. It continues to creep into the very marrow of my being. Long sinuous fingers of despair start to curl around my heart.
I keep fighting. I go into my office, determined to work away this feeling, to accomplish something that will make me feel alive and well and productive and…
Two hours later I’m sitting here staring at my phone, moving things aimlessly around my desk. Not a single thing has been checked off my to-do list. I try desperately to reach into some core of inner strength. I’ve tapped into it before so I know it’s there. If I just will it enough, if I just pray, if I just keep moving.
It’s no use.
I head to my bedroom and crawl under the cool sheets. I want to cry but I don’t know what I would be crying for. I don’t feel sad but I feel terribly sad. If life is so good, why do I feel so aimless? I know God is here but he feels so… out there.
The air conditioner hums, the cat purrs, the lawnmower drones on in the distance and I let the sounds wash over me. The fan is whirring overhead and the air feels cool and comforting on my skin.
I sink into the bed, deeper and deeper, letting the feeling of hopelessness and despair wash over me in a flood. Today, the tears don’t come but there have been days they have nearly swept me away in their current.
I’m there suspended between wakefulness and sleep. Feeling so drained, so empty, so alone.
I nod off for just a few minutes and wake with a start as someone walks in the room. The day’s not over. There’s still much to do, so I swing my legs over the side of the bed and move down the hall.
The fog is lifting. I think I see land. I feel relieved, remembering the times I have wandered around in the darkness for days – weeks – months.
Tonight I will sleep. I will rest in His love and let His Spirit wash over my weary bones. Tomorrow, I will wake up to a new day.
The sun will be shining.
But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. Ps. 3:3