Waiting

Here I am.

 

Hospital Waiting Room Sign

Another hospital waiting room.

Bad art.

Old magazines.

Deja vu.

I shouldn’t feel so comfortable here, but I do.  I’m oddly removed from the scene and feeling strangely unemotional.

I know the drill  by now.

We got here early.  Got Steve checked in.

They’ve taken him back for surgery prep.

I think the most disconcerting moment is when he hands me his wedding ring.  I know that’s protocol but it always kind of takes me by surprise.  So, I’m wearing my ring and his while I sit, pray, check my phone and wish to high heaven that I hadn’t forgotten to eat and get a cup of coffee this morning.

I guess I’m more nervous than I’m admitting to myself.

I know that soon, mom and dad will show up, coming to my rescue with coffee and food.  They will come and just be here.  Even this grandma is comforted by the presence of her parents.

In a short time, it will be over.  A minor surgery really.  But SO major.

It’s hard to imagine that one tiny offending gland has been wreaking havoc in Steve’s body.  Hard to fathom that something so small could have such a widespread effect.  But we know it’s true.

What nuisance can be created by one little misbehaving cell or one tiny little tumor or one misfiring synapse in the brain.  When you consider all that can go wrong, it’s remarkable that we hold it together as well as we do.

We are, indeed, “fearfully and wonderfully made”.

I’ve had a battle with my faith over the past few weeks.  I’m claiming healing for Steve, quoting the Scriptures of healing and promise.  But a mental, spiritual and emotional battle rage in my head and heart.

I want to believe.  I DO believe.  I wish I believed more.  I’m afraid to believe.

I admit it.  I’m afraid of being disappointed.  If I have learned anything over the past 10 years, I’ve learned this.

  • life is unpredictable.
  • pain is inevitable.
  • family is irreplaceable.
  • God Is Faithful.

It doesn’t make sense really.  In the middle of it all.  The doubt.  The fear.  The confusion.  The worry.  Did I mention confusion?  In the middle of it all, the only thing I don’t doubt is this.

God.

Is.

Faithful.

I don’t know what the outcome will be.  I don’t know what tomorrow holds but I know, I know, I know.

He Is Faithful.

Today, that’s enough.

2 Comments

  1. Nadine Mitchell

    I have very different circumstances but really do understand what you are saying….hope and faith are pretty elusive when its that dark. Continually praying and continually loving you guys!! I wish I could be there to bring you coffee and breakfast 🙂

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