I can’t get it together.
Before you try to reassure me or tell me, it’s not that bad, let me show you proof.
This is a cold hard fact. I wore this today.
Nobody pinned me down and put this on me. I chose it. My yoga pants were dirty so I found the striped pajama bottoms.
Question # 1 – Why, oh why do I own pants that short? Why were they in my drawer? Why have I never thrown them away? Why did I buy them in the first place? Why do I think yoga pants are a dressier option?
Okay. Those were questions #1,2,3,4 and 5. See? I can’t even ask questions in an orderly fashion today.
After finding those stellar pants I realized my feet were cold. I got UGGS slippers for Christmas. I love my UGGS slippers. I used to mock people who wore UGGS but now I’ve surrendered to the fact that I’m an UGGS wearer. Not only are they not pretty, it doesn’t even sound nice. I don’t care.
So, I have pants. I have shoes. You will have to trust me that I’m wearing a tshirt and sloppy cardigan as well. But my legs are cold. It’s a cold day today. I don’t mean COLD cold. I mean Southern California cold. The temperature dipped below 70F and I’m freezing.
I needed something to cover my legs. My stripey socks are SO soft and they are the only knee high socks that I own. Could I find two socks in the same color? I could not. Did I really try? I did not.
About 15 minutes after assembling my OOTD (that’s Outfit Of The Day, for the uninitiated), I walked past a mirror.
This image immediately came to mind.
I chuckled (barely), snapped a picture of the stripes, posted it on Facebook and went about the rest of my day. When I say, went about the rest of my day I don’t really mean that I did anything, I just avoided doing something.
Why? I’m stuck. Life is hard right now. I’m not in the mood to share details about why it’s hard but trust me when I say it’s hard.
I woke up this morning with the best of intentions. I read my Bible, had my devotions and attempted, once again, to start listing my daily gifts. But then I got stuck.
I’m overwhelmed, tired, frustrated and, did I mention? Stuck.
You’ve seen the outfit so I will let your imagination picture my house. Dirty dishes in the sink. Laundry piled high. Animal hair everywhere. To top it all off, it is now dinner time and what am I doing? Telling you that I’m stuck. Looks like a grilled cheese sandwich kind of night!
I get here more often than I would like to admit. Feeling sorry for myself and wanting something else.
For starters, I want this life.
I want this to be where I live. You know – quirky and interesting and textured. Looking so perfectly imperfect.
You know, quirky and interesting and textured. Looking so perfectly imperfect.
Clearly, I’m not.
Here’s the spot in my blog post where I should post a Scripture verse. In the core of my heart I believe that He should be enough, that I am more than a conqueror, that my strength comes from Him. I believe it. I believe it but today my head is struggling with my inadequacies.
Why am I sharing this weird, fractured, messy post? Why am I not keeping my insecurity and angst to myself? Because, I swear I’m not peeking in your window but I know that maybe not today but some days you feel the same way too. I want to reassure you that you are not alone. That despite what you feel, the truth is, we’re all a bit of a mess.
Tomorrow I will wake up and it will be a better day. I will dress in big people clothes, clean my kitchen and maybe even feed my family but tonight –
I am a mess.