Hi, it’s me, Ashley, the other part of Jenny and Pearl. I’ve been busy working, raising Mae and growing another baby so I haven’t had time to write but I wanted to share something with you today. It’s good to be back!
My baby went poop in the toilet yesterday. This fills me with unspeakable joy, a sense of accomplishment and also a huge wave of sadness. Where has the time gone? What happened to my tiny baby girl with the bald head and chubby wrists?
The scam of having kids is that if you miss a certain stage a lot, you tell yourself that the best way to experience it again is to have another kid. This explains 19 kids and counting.
Time has a funny way of blurring the excruciating pain of childbirth and the zombie state of the first weeks of a sleeping routine, but it clearly remembers bald heads, chubby wrists and that milky smell.
So where does that leave me? Wanting more kids but cautious because of the time (or lack of it) that I feel I will have for more of those stages. My struggle with being a mom who works outside of the home full time isn’t in thinking that my children will miss out or be unhappy. I’m actually more concerned with the fact that I’M the one missing out and I don’t think that’s selfish to say. I know I wasn’t there for Mae’s first steps. I try not to let myself think about the “firsts” that I missed. While others had the time to create a photo collage for baby’s first trip to the grocery store, I was probably selling expensive furniture at a trade show. She is a happy, developing child with a strong sense of self and a clear attachment to both her Mama and Dada, yet as her Mama, I feel a sense of loss and a sadness about the future times she will have “first” experiences without me.
Part of letting go and learning to let your kids grow up outside of your supervision is this: enjoying the moments and times you DO have together, not focusing always on what isn’t there. But for me, this pushes me harder to create a life for my family that would allow for MORE of that time, especially when they are so little! Some day she won’t want to hold my hand or cuddle with me in bed or hear what I have to say, but NOW she does and now is what matters.